Life of Mack Random thoughts & anecdotes from indie RPG nerd Ryan Macklin

I’m fond of saying that my life rebooted three years ago, back in early April 2007. That’s when the woman I thought I was going to have a kid with split up with me. (And man, that was an unhealthy relationship. Not that I blame her. Takes two—or more—to make a relationship that toxic.) Very, very few of you know me from before that point, and those that do don’t know me well.

See, I’m the person I am today because I decided to become a workaholic in response. While I was preparing myself to be a father (for a kid I was unsure about, but didn’t have the balls to say so), I kept thinking about all the things I wanted to do with my life that would be on hold indefinitely. So I was faced with an uncomfortable question:

Was I just full of shit when I said I wanted to do those things?

I decided that I wanted to answer “no, I’m not full of shit.” So I started pushing harder in my tiny career as a nerd that helped make books. I was already doing my first podcast, Master Plan, then for a few months and was nearly done with my first book, Finis: A Book of Endings. I threw myself into other projects, which is where the desire to make my ashcan that year came from.

Three years ago, I started this thing with my life. Today, half of my income comes from it, and I live a really awesome life where I get to make games and help other people make their games — help other people get their vision off the ground. And I do work that I’m really, really proud of. A sort of pride I didn’t know before.

The great thing is that I feel like I’m just at the beginning of this journey. I’m by no means done with this life.

Even though my obsessive workaholic & jetsetting nature has kept me single for the last three years, honestly, these have been the best three years of my life. And ever since I moved to Oakland in January, these have been the best few months of my life. They have been a hard three years, a hard few months, and there have been times where the loneliness has made me question my resolve. But, unlike my career as a software developer, this thing I’m doing here is actually more fulfilling that I expected. It’s made these last three years very worthwhile, even if it doesn’t pay enough to live on that alone. I would not trade that time for anything, because at whatever future point I end up in a stable, long-term relationship (be that a couple years or a decade from now, who knows), this time has made me someone who will be better for that thing. I’m not a guy who pines after some dream. I’m fucking trying to live it.

I pretty much never talk about this sort of thing on the Internet. I have this weird thing about my private life being, you know, private. But today I felt like sharing what’s more or less my origin story as a game industry professional — I decided that I would rather shit than get off the pot, to use that metaphor. And that’s been the best decision I’ve made so far in my almost 32 years of life.

- Ryan