Better Off Not Knowing
Every now and then, we think “man, if I could knew then what I know now…”
Well, if I knew ten years ago what I know now…
I would be worse-off today. I would be a man who knew horrible things coming up, and choose to avoid them. In avoiding them, I would deprive myself from really internalizing those lessons from hard times. I would be a man with ten full years of bullshit and baggage far too early, without everything else that I’ve gained that lets me still function.
And I find that comforting. This idea comes from IMing with a friend and talking about past miseries. Talking about the past, she said “My divorce turned me into the woman I am today.” I can understand that, since my almost having a kid years ago turned me into this guy. If I knew all the shit that would have happened, I might have tried to avoid it or (worse) change it. Instead, I lived through that part of my life and became a guy who wanted to take charge of it, so I did.
Seems like it’s paying off. I might have a lot of bullshit to deal with (and while we can say “who doesn’t?”, I don’t like to trivialize anyone’s experiences with that response), but having earned those licks has made me a better person as it as made me a worse one. I’m hoping there’s more better than worse, but that’s because I strive.
(Which sometimes makes it awkward to be around people who don’t seem to strive.)
But if I did have to tell me-from-a-decade-ago anything, it would be: “Yeah, shit’s hard, yo. But it gets fucking awesome. Still, it’s hard, but seriously awesome.” And I know that 22 year old me would have no fucking clue what I’m talking about. :)
I’m curious as to what 42 year old me would tell me right now. And what he might wish he could tell me but wouldn’t for similar reasons.
- Mack
